Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more.
toddler: I’m really high
me: He means tall
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 11, 2018
My husband told me that one day our children will read my tweets.
Thank goodness, because this is the closest thing to a baby book I’ve done.
— InsoMOMniac (@mom_toddler) July 12, 2018
I couldn’t find my 6 year old for 30 minutes while playing hide and seek. It was the quietest 30 minutes I’ve had in 6 years
— The Dad (@thedad) July 13, 2018
A lone Sharpie lid: one of the most terrifying things a parent can find pic.twitter.com/RpuNxDbahq
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) July 12, 2018
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
— your mom (@eff_yeah_steph) July 10, 2018
Took my kids to the beach and tried to release them like I’ve seen sea turtle parents do, but they just stood there and asked me for snacks.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 12, 2018
My kids only listen to me when I don’t want them to.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 12, 2018
Made it to that level of dad where you buy a newspaper on vacation.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 12, 2018
I recently went from 231lbs to 195lbs because my kids think food taste better when it's kidnapped from daddy's plate. I'll be 50lbs by the end of next month.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) July 9, 2018
WHAT DO WE WANT?
my kids: DINNER!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
my kids: BEDTIME!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 12, 2018
I feel you, Wild Things.
I want to roar my terrible roar & roll my terrible eyes when my toddler wants to read that damn book 9 times a day.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 12, 2018
Every newborn baby should come with a one-year Costco membership
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 12, 2018
Beach vacations are awesome if you’re looking for a more scenic backdrop for your toddler’s tantrums.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 12, 2018
My 4yo walked into a glass door and then played it off like it was intentional. So yeah… no paternity test needed. She’s mine.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 12, 2018
Being a good parent means letting go of certain luxuries like: dinners out, sleep, showers, looking in the mirror, sanity…
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 8, 2018
Taking 14 kids to the beach is the fastest way to earn a PhD in counting 14 things.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 12, 2018
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 13, 2018
My toddler just ripped a leg off of her Barbie doll and then used it as a baseball bat and that is cooler than anything I did at work today.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 10, 2018